Sherlock Scribbles: The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes

This time on 'Sherlock Scribbles' we take a look at perhaps the finest Sherlock Holmes film there has ever been (big words, I know), The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes...

Sherlock Scribbles: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes

The 'Sherlock Scribbles' series delves into the bargain bin this week for 'mockbuster' Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes...

Sherlock Scribbles: The Great Mouse Detective

The 'Sherlock Scribbles' series continues with Disney's take on the Great Detective. So, of course, everyone is now an anthropomorphised animal...

Review: Sherlock - The Abominable Bride

Sherlock is back - back 120 years in fact. For one night only, Sherlock Holmes goes Victorian...

"Nothing made me. I made me."

Sherlock Scribbles: A Study in Pink

As a new episode of Sherlock - a Victorian-set special titled 'The Abominable Bride' - will arrive this New Year's Day, now seems a good time to revisit the mini-movie which started it all, in our on-going series of 'Sherlock Scribbles'...

Sherlock Scribbles: Sherlock Holmes - A Game of Shadows

Continuing on the series of posts where I take a magnifying glass to a certain Holmesian adaptation, today I look at the sequel in the hit Robert Downey Jr duology as the Great Detective.

 

Starring: Robert Downey Jr (Sherlock Holmes), Jude Law (Doctor Watson), Noomi Rapace (Madame Simza), Jared Harris (Professor Moriarty) and Stephen Fry (Mycroft Holmes) with Rachel McAdams (Irene Adler)

Synopsis: After a spate of bombings cause tensions to brew across Europe, Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson travel across the continent on a hunt for the man who wants to create a world war for his own ends - the Napoeleon of crime, Professor James Moriarty...

Doyled or Spoiled?: While Doyle never wrote such a James Bondian adventure, many details of the film are lifted from the canon, as if to compensate. The story is extrapolated from 'The Final Problem' where we are told that Holmes and Watson travel across Europe in pursuit of Moriarty. The death of Irene Adler could be a reference to the unexplained mentions of The Woman being 'the late Irene Adler' in the canon. Watson marries Mary Morstan, as per Doyle and Sherlock (though Holmes is a far less obsessive Best Man here than he is in that version). And, finally, Colonel Sebastian Moran is Moriarty's right-hand man and assassin, just as we are told he was in 'The Empty Hearse.' Also, it's not Doyle, but one of Moriarty's victims is Professor Hoffmanstahl - the real surname of Holmes' love interest Gabrielle Valadon in The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes.

Highlight: For me, it's probably the several references to Doyle, as they help to remind you that you are watching a Sherlock Holmes film. The use of Watson's eulogy of Holmes being taken verbatim from 'The Final Problem' is a lovely touch and probably my favourite Doyleism in the film. Elsewhere, another highlight is Downey and Law's partnership. While they are not my favourite Holmes and Watson they have an enjoyable banter-masking-fierce-friendship relationship.

Verdict: Without a specific mystery for Holmes to solve - rather more of a globe-trotting manhunt - and the loss of London, this sequel lacks the the feel of a Sherlock Holmes story unlike the first film which cleverly trod the line between Sherlockiana and being a modern action film. Likewise, the cast is squandered - Noomi Rapace is in a thankless role as Simza, Jared Harris is nothing special as Moriarty and, worst of all, Stephen Fry is fantastic casting (he's a perfect match for Sidney Paget's drawings) but his Mycroft is sadly played for comic relief. Apart from Downey Jr's idiosyncratic Holmes then, it's a decent run-around with fights and explosions and other things people like in blockbuster films.*

*I really like the first one which is why I'm extra grumpy in this review.

Sherlock and friends run away from an explosion. They do a lot of that.

Sherlock Scribbles: Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Silk Stocking

Last month I kicked off a new series of posts looking at different Holmesian adaptations with a look at 2002's The Hound of the Baskervilles. This month I'm following it up with its semi-sequel made in 2004. Unusually, while the actor of Holmes isn't carried over, Watson is, with Ian Hart reprising his role from the previous production.

Starring: Rupert Everett (Sherlock Holmes), Ian Hart (Doctor Watson), Jonathan Hyde (George Pentney), Helen McCrory (Mrs Vandeleur) and Michael Fassbender (Charles Allen)

Synopsis: In 1902, a new terror has struck the fog-bound streets of London in the form of a serial killer who is murdering young debutantes. Can the estranged Holmes and Watson come together to solve the case of the silk stocking?

Doyled or Spoiled?: With an original storyline, very litle of the plot is dervied from Doyle although Holmes often quotes directly from the stories (e.g. 'I cannot make bricks without clay,' 'Watson, you are the one fixed point in a changing age' ETC). Much like Hound, it also presents Holmes taking drugs during a case - including using opium, rather than just morphine or cocaine.
The biggest departure from the canon, however, is the identity of Watson's fiancee. Rather than the books (and most adaptations) he does not marry Mary Morstan but rather Jennifer Vandeleur, an American psycho-analyst. Similar to other modern versions - the Downey Jr films and Sherlock - Holmes is at first jealous of his best friend finding a(nother) partner before being won over by her.

Highlight: 100% Rupert Everett. A much better Holmes than Hound's Roxborough, he's something of a proto-Sherlock (interestingly, the special even uses the same font as the series) with his Cumberbatchian anti-social behaviour and snarky sense of humour. Although he lacks the manic energy of the best Holmeses, he absolutely looks the part and it would have been fascinating to see him take on the role in an adventure that more closely looked at Holmes' character. 

Verdict: An enjoyable if not totally successful Holmes adventure. While the storyline could have done with more inspiration from the canon, the film's great strength is how it really evokes the setting of Edwardian England, with the rich partying at debutante balls while murderers lurk in the treacherous fog. Likewise, the key relationship between Holmes and Watson is better handled here than in its predecessor although not entirely fixed, being much less prickly if not quite warm. In fact, the most interesting pairing of the piece must be that of Holmes and young girl Roberta who the detective seems to take under his wing. As such, while it is much better than the tepid Hound, my main gripe is that the plot, involving the hunt for a sexually-deviant serial killer, is much too modern crime drama and too little Sherlock Holmes to be completely satisfying.

Rupert Everett's smooth-as-silk Holmes saves the day in this pastiche

Review: Trigger Warning

Trigger Warning: this post contains a review of Neil Gaiman's latest short story anthology Trigger Warning. 

The title of Neil Gaiman's third short story collection comes from the internet trend for articles to preceded by a warning of what's to come. Apart from allowing the writer in his introduction to muse on if such an idea should be adopted for fiction, it is a perfect title for an anthology of Gaiman's work. Part of the thrill of diving into one of his short stories in particular is that, due to the wide range of genres and tones he adopts, you never know what you are going to get. Be warned, the title tells us, I'm not going to tell you what you should be warned about, but I think you should be on your toes. 

In Trigger Warning, Gaiman delivers fairy tales and ghost stories and sci-fi and fantasy adventures, as well as new spins on familiar characters and love letters to the likes of Ray Bradbury and David Bowie. Many of these stories might be familiar to Neil Gaiman devotees, but the quality of each is that you certainly won't mind owning them more than once. Besides, having them tied together with other wildly different pieces brings out something new in them. The twelve micro fictions that make up 'A Calendar of Tales', for example, brilliantly compliment and juxtapose with each other.

Likewise, two of my favourites - now don't say you didn't see this coming - are Gaiman's takes on Doctor Who and Sherlock Holmes. They represent contrasting takes on famous fictional heroes and their worlds. 'The Case of Death and Honey' is a genre-bending tale which presents an elderly Holmes undertaking the greatest, and the longest, investigation of his career. It is mournful and touching and quite unlike any other Holmes story out there.

'Nothing O'Clock', however, is a fun-loving adventure story that is bouncing with invention, as it sees the Eleventh Doctor and Amy facing a clever new take on the alien invasion. It is fantastic to have another Gaiman-penned entry into the Whoniverse and a must-read for anyone who loved 'The Doctor's Wife' (and thought 'Nightmare in Silver' could have been better).

Yet my absolute favourite is surely 'Truth is a Cave in the Black Mountains...', a story as atmospheric and opaque as the mist that surrounds the island that the protagonists journey to. Apparently based on an old Scottish folk tale (as Gaiman's fascinating in-depth story notes tells us), it is a bleaker piece than most of the writer's other work, where death and danger are more often than not met with some light and humour. Nonetheless, it is an engrossing read and showcases Gaiman's storytelling and prose at its peak.

But then my other favourite is the fantastically feminist 'The Sleeper in the Spindle', or perhaps the brilliantly bonkers 'The Return of the Thin White Duke'. Or 'Orange', a tale told entirely through answers to unseen questions. Or the creepy epistolary 'Feminine Endings.' Or maybe 'Black Dog', a new story set in the American Gods universe.

Each story in Trigger Warning is better than the last. That is the only forewarning you need.

P.S. Has anyone thought about the potential meaning of the wounded-looking wolf on the cover? Perhaps he has been shot? If so, does he represent the piece of writing, made innocuous by the addition of a trigger warning?

Sherlock Scribbles: The Hound of the Baskervilles (2002)

For a Sherlock Holmes fan, I really don't blog about Holmesian-related matters all that much. Today I'm hoping to rectify that by starting a new series of posts in which I look at a different Holmes adaptation each time. We start with a BBC TV version of the most famous Sherlock story of them all...

 

 Starring: Richard Roxborough (Sherlock Holmes), Ian Hart (Dr Watson), Neve McIntosh (Beryl Stapleton), John Nettles (Dr Mortimer) and Richard E Grant (Jack Stapleton)

Synopsis: At Christmas time, Holmes and Watson are employed to investigate the strange circumstances surrounding Sir Charles Baskerville's death. Was he really killed by the monstrous hound which is said to plague the family? Or is the murderer a mere mortal?

Doyled or spoiled?: This adaptation largely stays faithful to the iconic tale, apart from a few key details. Obviously it changes the action to taking place at Christmas - the TV film was first shown on Boxing Day - and also embellishes certain elements, one memorable example being the inclusion of a seance to contact the dead Baskerville which heightens the gothic atmosphere of the piece. It also presents Holmes unusually in the thrall of his drug habit during a case, when in the stories he only uses it in between cases. The villain of the piece, Stapleton, is also enhanced to make him a much more vindictive and worthy foe.. 

Highlight: Definitely Richard E Grant's Stapleton. The 'whodunnit' aspect of the story is bravely thrown away quite early so that we may have Grant being malcious for as long as possible. Almost Moriarty-ish in his obsession at beating the great Sherlock Holmes, he also badly wounds Dr Watson and Henry Baskeville and would have succeeded in killing Holmes if it wasn't for the timely intervention of the good doctor.

Verdict: While brave enough to beef up certain aspects of the story, this version of the well-told tale fails to really take off, largely due to mishandling the most important part of any Holmes story: the relationship between the detective and his Boswell. While Ian Hart is a capable, if humourless, Watson he snaps at Holmes so much you wonder why he hangs around with him. Likewise, Richard Roxborough is a rather bland Holmes, demonstrating none of our hero's usual vigour and brain power. It's a shame Richard E Grant didn't get the central role but at least he is on hand to save the show as the deliciously odious Stapleton. Certainly not the definitve version of the story.

Doctor Who's Dr Simeon and Madame Vastra turn up in this Holmes adaptation

Monthly Scribbles: Inside Series Nine

Well, now that April's upped and left (won't be seeing her again til next year now - just the odd phone call wouldn't go amiss), it's time to look at what happened over the past month. Up first, the Doctor will be seeing doubles in the next series...

Doctor Who Series Nine is shaping up

 

Quite a few details about the 2015 series of Doctor Who have come to light over the past few weeks. One of the most high-profile was the news that Game of Throne's Maisie Williams is to guest star in episodes 5 and 6 of Series Nine - The Girl Who Died, co-written by Series Eight's Jamie Mathieson and Steven Moffat, and The Woman Who Lived, by Torchwood writer Cathrine Treganna. With all the coverage she is getting, it's assumed Maisie will be playing a major character. The prevalent theory is that she will be a younger version of Clara. The character's detractors will no doubt be pleased that there may be two Claras runnng about this year...

Elsewhere, we now know UNIT head Kate Stewart will be back not once but twice in Series Nine, in episodes 1, 2, 7 and 8. And let's not forget this rocking monster, the first new enemy to be revealed from the series.

However, the most intriguing tidbit we now know is that Series Nine will be much heavier on two parters. In a move away from the usual series structure of the one-three double-decker stories, apparently every two episodes of the series will be linked in some way - with it only being revealed that they will be of the same story when you watch it. This is a very bold new way of laying out a series and one I'm very excited to see unfold. Hurry up, August!


I was Sherlocked! 

Let's zoom in from the whole of time and space and forcus on Baker Street now. This month, I was lucky enough to attend the first official Sherlock convention. I could only make it up to London for one of the days but it was still good fun, although I unfortunately missed Benedict Cumberbatch's appearance. A highlight was Moffat and Gatiss' talk - the pair being as entertaining and informative as they always are (with some tantalising hints about what stories they want to do next on the show) - and there was always something to do (with prop musuems and, well, the endless queing). You can read a fuller write-up of the event here.


Mr Holmes trailer

Sticking with Sherlock, here's the trailer for Mr Holmes, which sees Ian McKellen as an elderly Holmes revisiting the case that made him retire. I have some misgivings about the film - it doesn't seem particularly Holmesian in tone and I'm not sure I really want to see my beloved Sherlock Holmes at the end of his life, losing his great mental faculties, but I'm certainly fascinated. Here's hoping it makes a reference to Miss Mary Russell, the retired Holmes' partner in detection - and wife! - in one series of novels.


Highlight of the month

Inside No. 9 (Series Two)

Despite never having seen TV's masters of macabre Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith's previous dark comic hits The League of Gentlemen and Psychoville, I was very pleased to recently catch the second series of Inside No. 9, a hidden gem of a show that deserves more attention. An anthology series, every episode differs wildly in tone and atmosphere but are linked by the fact they are set in somewhere labelled 'no.9' (e.g. a train carriage, a haunted house, a seemingly-ordinary flat). As with every anthology series, the quality varies but each episode is a tense, witty treat with at least half of the six-part run being outright classics. Shearsmith and Pemberton manage to carve each half hour segment into whatever shape they want - be it a nail-biting horror or a surprising tear-jerker. When it surely returns for a series three, I urge you to go a-knocking on No.9 - you never know what you might find inside...

Monthly Scribbles: The Spectre of Sherlock and Doctor Who

This month we have the ultimate crossover as the Doctor, James Bond and Sherlock Holmes team up ... in this retrospective on March.

Doctor Who at 10

If you're a Doctor Who fan you'll no doubt know that the revived series turned ten last month, causing much celebration internet-wide.
One of the most fun was this series of birthday wishes, seen on the Radio Times website, from most of the major - and many minor - members of the cast and cr-Who. Here's a selection (click to enlarge). 

Personally, as I (whisper it) missed the first couple of episodes on original transmission my tenth anniversary of being a Doctor Who fan comes on 9th April (when 'The Unquiet Dead', the first episode I saw, was shown). I talk about the beginnings of my Doctor Who viewing here (please excuse my younger self his love of exclamation marks!).


SPECTRE trailer released!

As a fan of Casino Royale and Skyfall (let's not mention Quantum of Solace) I'm eagerly awaiting Daniel Craig's fourth outing as the not-so secret agent, Spectre. The trailer's a well-done teaser (love the tinkly, slightly sinister version of the Bond theme) and demonstrates just why I like Craig's films. Rather than just mindless action flicks, they have character and mood which makes them, in my opinion, even more exciting. Have a look for yourself below.

Absolutely squee-inducing, eh? The trailer has whet my appetite so much I have many questions - but there's one thing in particular I want to find out about this film. Not the mystery of Bond's childhood or if Blofeld really is back but rather how are you meant to write that title? SPECTRE? Spectre?

SpEcTrE comes out this October.


Sherlock Series Four will be 'tougher', says Steven Moffat 

March was definitely the month for news on Britain's greatest heroes. On the Sherlock front, Steven Moffat revealed that, after the positively cuddly Series Three (for three quarters of it, at least), the next series will be 'tougher' and there will be 'consequences' to Sherlock's actions. It's all very intriguing and reminds me very much of how Moffat described Series 8 of Doctor Who. It seems that Moffat's in the mood for writing 'dark' at the moment. Work on Series Four is in the early stages but a Christmas special, set in Victorian times, is upcoming.


Highlight of the month

The film, TV show or book I've decided to highlight this month coincidentally fits into the impromptu 'British heroes' theme of this post as we look at one of the forgotten heroes of World War Two...

The Imitation Game

I've heard mixed reactions to The Imitation Game, the story of the man who cracked the Enigma Code Alan Turing, but I'm glad to say I fell on the positive side. Cumberbatch is tremendous as Turing, employing an entirely different physicality from his other socially-awkward genius so you don't simply see him as, as he put it, 'Sherlock in tweed.' Away from its lead, the film as a whole is intelligently done, with many an affecting moment. It's always difficult for biopics to straddle the line between historic fact and good drama but I think Imitation largely manages it. The emotional elements may cause the film to overlook the fine points of how Turing built his machine and solved Enigma but this isn't a documentary. What it succeeds in is presenting a truly inimitable individual who deserved to have his story remembered.

Monthly Mini-Reviews: November - Sherlock Holmes Special

With the airing of Series 8, it's all been a bit Doctor Who crazy at Scribble Creatures over the last few months, and I feel I've been neglecting my other great fictional interest, Sherlock Holmes. November turned out to be a very Holmesian month with the release of Anthony Horowitz' Moriarty, a follow-up to his successful Holmes pastiche The House of Silk, and the opening of Sherlock Holmes: The Man Who Never Lived and Will Never Die, the new exhibition about the detective at the Museum of London. Pulling these facts together, I deduced that I should dedicate this month's Mini-Review post to the world of the Great Detective. Now read on - the post's afoot.

The Beekeeper's Apprentice

For many fans the premise of The Beekeeper's Apprentice and its many sequels is simply sacrilegious to the Holmes canon. It not only concerns Holmes' adventures after his retirement in Sussex - away from his synonymous London - but pairs him with someone other than Watson - Miss Mary Russell, a very modern (for the 1910s) young woman. Fans need not worry though as Laurie R King crafts a fantastic Holmesian pastiche, featuring a gripping mystery but with a strong heart in the growing friendship between Russell and Holmes. Russell herself is a very likeable character. She could come across as Mary Sue Russell as she worms her way into the circle of familiar characters - including a fleshed-out Mrs Hudson and her kindly 'Uncle John' - but she impresses us with her competence straight away. Like the best modern Sherlock Holmes stories, it is more invention than imitation but is peppered with pleasing references for Holmes fans who may be put off by the story's different take on Holmes. This fan, however, can't wait to read the next Mary Russell adventure.

Sherlock Holmes (2009)

Speaking of different takes on Sherlock Holmes, they don't come much more different than Guy Ritchie's blockbuster that reinvigorated the Great Detective's popularity, just a smidgen before Sherlock came along. When I first heard of this film I expected to dislike it but was pleasantly surprised. Its action-packed steampunk feel is infectious rather than annoying and, beneath the additions of fights and explosions that was made much of, the film sports a great 'Sherlock vs the supernatural' mystery that ends in a threat to the British Empire. And it finds time for cameos from Irene Adler and Moriarty himself. On the behind the scene documentary on the DVD, the cast and crew are eager to emphasise that their film is surprisingly close to Conan Doyle's originals. It's not but in this case that's no bad thing. Sadly I was less taken with the sequel but if they ever do a third film I hope it can reach the heights of this one.

The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes 

As I had claimed November as Sherlock Holmes month, I couldn't resist a rewatch of my favourite Sherlock Holmes film. Generally forgotten in the filmography of revered director Billy Wilder, Private Life is an under-appreciated gem of a film, at times hilarious, thrilling and touching. Many criticise it for not delivering on its premise of exploring, well, you've read the title but I would say the film is clever enough to give a deeper look at the man beneath the logical mind while still providing a fun adventure about the Loch Ness Monster. The film was famously slashed by half of its original three hour running time before its release, but I really don't know how that extra time would have improved on the film as it is. I could go on but some idiot made this a post of mini-reviews. Instead, I'll let Past Me tell you some more about it here.

The Casebook of Sherlock Holmes

By the time he wrote his last Sherlock Holmes stories - or 'police romances' as he called them - in the 1920s, Conan Doyle was long past caring for his most famous creation but, thankfully, that does not show when reading The Casebook of Sherlock Holmes. Doyle clearly tried to spice things up for himself as some of these stories take unusual forms, in terms of narration - two stories are written from Holmes' perspective rather than Watson's and one is from an omniscient third person point of view - as well as narrative - one story, 'The Creeping Man', borders on science fiction. The other collections of the Canon are generally regarded more highly than this one but these twelve tales of deduction are still very enjoyable and essential for any reader of Sherlock Holmes. Despite his reluctance, we can be thankful that Conan Doyle continued to write for Sherlock Holmes all his life, giving us sixty fantastic stories that form the bedrock of an entire genre.

Pick of the Month: As I have only revisited the others on this post this month, the coveted prize has to go to The Beekeeper's Apprentice for introducing me to a new book series I must get my hands on. The choice was really quite elementary.

Top Five Fictional Female Villains

Last week, there was a shocking reveal at the end of the penultimate episode of this year's run of Doctor Who. It turned out that - oh, it's been a whole week now, I can say it - the mad Marry Poppins-esque Missy who has been terrorising the Doctor is in fact... the Master!
So to coincide with the return of the Doctor's greatest adversary in a very different form, I thought it time to look at the most despicable women from the halls of fiction, an illustrious category that the Master now belongs to. In no particular order, I give you the most terrible, terrifying and iconic female villains.

Morgan Le Fay
Appeared in: The legends of King Arthur

I'm something of an enthusiast of the legend of King Arthur. I don't claim to be an out-and-out expert but I appreciate the tales as something like the founding fathers of British storytelling and always enjoy dipping into the wealth of interpretations of the stories (although I was never that fussed about the popular BBC series Merlin, oddly enough). The legends, of course, have brave heroes in King Arthur and Merlin but also have a great villain in Arthur's half-sister, Morgan Le Fey (sometimes called Morgana) who acts as the main antagonist in most modern versions. Lusting after the throne of Camelot, Morgana will stop at nothing to end Arthur's reign, including using her own son, Mordred, to kill his uncle (and sometimes father) in battle. She's been hounding King Arthur in various forms over roughly a thousand years - you don't get much more of a determined villain than that.

Irene Adler
Appeared in: 'A Scandal in Bohemia' by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and numerous film and TV adaptations and literary pastiches.

Technically, Conan Doyle's original character from the Sherlock Holmes canon was not a true villain - Holmes was against her in the case but her only crime is a dalliance with a European royal in her youth. In most adaptations, however, her character is extrapolated to become a proper criminal. Much like Catwoman is to Batman, she and Holmes tend to work on opposite sides of the law but nevertheless harbour an affection for each other, sometimes this is unspoken, sometimes it is a fully-fledged love affair. This version of the character has been explored recently in both Sherlock and the Robert Downey Jr films but in Elementary, the character was taken further. The presumed dead ex-love of Sherlock, Irene turned out to be a female Moriarty in disguise. Changing a male master criminal into a woman - I'm sorry, Moffat, I think someone beat you to the punch.

The Other Mother
Appeared in: Coraline by Neil Gaiman.

Neil Gaiman's Other Mother from his exquisitely creepy children's novel Coraline is less of a villain in the femme fatale mould of Morgana and Irene and more of a walking nightmare. A creature from a realm of her own devising, like a spider in its web, the Other Mother lures children into her lair to feast on their souls. To entice the children, rather than use a house made of sweets, she acts as a loving parent... just one with buttons for eyes. The Other Mother is an utterly terrifying creation, playing off the inherent childhood fear of adults you trust to look after you turning out to do the opposite. As well as the simply intrinsically scary image of people with buttons for eyes. something which resides firmly in the uncanny valley.

Miss Havisham
Appeared in: Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

As a creation of Dickens, the claim that Miss Havisham is a cast-iron villain is a less clear one than with others on this list. The woman has a sympathetic backstory and eventually repents her wickedness, but she is still the greatest thorn in Pip's side as he tries to woo the love of his life, the icy Estella. Having been jilted at the altar, the ageing bride-to-never-be forever wears her ragged wedding dress and plans to use her adopted daughter, Estella, to break the hearts of men everywhere like her's was broken. Miss Havisham is someone whose own debilitating heartbreak and thirst for revenge has blinded her to how her actions affect others. Firstly, not only does she torment Pip merely to wallow in his pain but, more importantly, she raised Estella to be nothing more than her foot soldier, to go and act out her wish to destroy all men for her. 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned', indeed.

Dolores Umbridge 
Appeared in: the Harry Potter novels by JK Rowling and its film series, played by Imelda Staunton

The most despicable character in the Harry Potter series. Yes, Voldemort killed Harry's parents. Yes, Bellatrix Lestrange killed Sirius Black but neither of them wore such an alarming shade of pink.
Outwardly twee, Professor Umbridge harbours a deep lust for power and a sadistic streak as great as the Dark Lord's own, shown in the gruesome punishments she dishes out in detention and her placement at the head of the Ministry of Magic's witch-hunt (sorry, muggle-hunt). From her prissy, condescending nature to her more despotic tendencies, Umbridge is unlikeable to the core. In fact, Umbridge is so repulsive you can hardly stand to look at her photograph. That's why I've put her last, so you don't have to look at her for too long. And that's the truth because, as Umbridge herself likes to brand people with, I must not tell lies...


'Death in Heaven', the Doctor Who finale, is on tonight at 8.00 pm on BBC One.

Favourite Fictional Characters: On Valentine's Day

To celebrate Valentine's Day, I thought I'll treat you to some poetry. Prepare, readers, for some romantic verse, inspired by an unlikely bunch of poets...

The Eleventh Doctor: 

Fezzes are red

My TARDIS is blue

Bow ties are cool

Just like you

 Sherlock: 

Roses are red
Violets are blue
The statistical chances of you finding someone with whom you can tolerate a lifetime are incredibly low, meaning you should probably spend your time on something more constructive than a feeble attempt at attracting a short-term romantic partner.

 Homer Simpson: 

Roses are red
Like the floor stains at Moe's 
I will spend time with Marge
Tomorrow on Valentine's - d'oh!

Batman:


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Poison Ivy is green
The Joker's hair is too





The Tenth Doctor:

Rose's jacket was red
...
Oh, God, Rose!
*Buries head in hands, sobbing*






Have a happy Valentine's Day, folks.

Monthly Scribbles: The Adventure of the Three Sherlocks and Capaldi's Coat

Welcome to a new series of posts on my blog: Monthly Scribbles! If that positively prosaic title was not clear enough for you, starting from this month I will write a round-up of, in Charlie Brooker's words, things that have been happening. Things like news bits and pieces and mini-reviews of things I've consumed within the month. Things like this:

Sherlock Series Three

Right at the beginning of January - if you can remember that far back - the stupendous Sherlock returned to our screens for a new run of three movie-sized adventures. Hyped for the two years since it's last series more than any other television show, it was feared that the result would not have been worth the wait. In the end, Series Three seems to have divided people far more so than the previous two, with many not being won over by its emphasis on character and humour as opposed to mysteries. Myself, while it did not quite reach the heights of the second series, Series Three was a fantastic run of television, with the definite highlight being 'His Last Vow' which saw the show at its most exciting, daring best. You can read my reviews of the episodes here or have a look at my favourite moments of the series over on Whatculture.

There was much talk about Series Four (which, as well as Series Five, Moffat and Gatiss apparently have all planned out) being broadcast at Christmas time but co-creator Steven Moffat has since said that seems rather unlikely. Personally, I don't mind waiting a while as long as the show is as good as it can be. Plus, this will be back in a few months...


The Clothes of the Doctor!

Doctor Who fans everywhere went wild the other day when Twelfth Doctor Peter Capaldi's costume materialised in our dimension. Capaldi said on the costume: 'No frills, no scarf, no messing. Just 100% rebel Time Lord!'
There's a lot of fun to be had picking out the various inspirations from different Doctors. The lack of tie evokes Eccleston's laid-back style, the cardigan under the coat is similar to the Doctor's previous penchant for waistcoats (see Numbers Four, Six, Eighth and Eleven) while the coat itself has more than a whiff of the stylings of Pertwee, thanks to the red lining.

At this stage, though he does look dapper, I've yet to think of Capaldi as the Doctor but that'll surely change soon as filming of Series Eight is already under way. Not much has been revealed yet - plus I'm actively avoiding spoilers - but we do know that the first episode will return to the familiar Victorian setting of recent years as the new Doctor and Clara team-up once again with the Paternoster Gang. Take a look at some spoiler-free snaps below:

Doctor Who Series Eight is expected to air in either August or September. What to do until then? Well, there's always old stuff to read and watch...

The Simpsons (Season Three)

In the wake of great new TV, I thought I'd re-watch a classic. I'm less familiar with The Simpsons' first few series, preferring the middle years of the 90s, but I'm thoroughly enjoying this season. Despite being three years in, the show was still finding its feet, with several characters not having developed their own personalities yet - for instance the endearingly dumb Ralph is often portrayed as an ordinary child - however, many episodes are real gems. 'Flaming Moe's' provides the groundwork for Moe, an up-to-then unimportant side character, while 'Lisa's Pony' must surely be one of the series' funniest ever episodes. As well as humour, the series also has that strong heart present in the show in the 90s which was sadly slowly replaced with cartoonish antics. Even now, The Simpsons isn't a bad way to spend half an hour but its good to look at its past to remember how good it once was.

The Sandman: Dream Country

For the last few months, I've been gradually working my way through Neil Gaiman's Sandman comics, the stories that made him famous. Focussing on the Sandman, Morpheus, the maker of dreams, it encompasses a vast range of myths and legends and literature and history all weaved together with Gaiman's consummate panache.
While I enjoyed the first two volumes - Preludes and Nocturnes and The Doll's House - they struck me as the work of a young writer still feeling his way around. However, with the four separate stories in this third volume, Gaiman seems on much surer footing. The rightly-lauded 'Midsummer Night's Dream', which sees Shakespeare give the first performance of his play to an audience of the real Titania and Oberon and their fairies, is a triumph of comic storytelling while 'A Dream of a Thousand Cats' is a surprising and quirky tale of the true story of felinekind. If it is not to bold a claim, I think it's the defining story about cats ever written. Purrrfect, you might say, if you were a 1960s Catwoman.